Sunday, September 7, 2008

When I've Failed

He looks me straight in the eyes and down into my heart.

Somewhat like a lover.

He knows everything I'm thinking, and feels my hurt before I even say a word.

Somewhat like a best friend.

He wraps His mercy around my cold shoulders and puts comfort, like a bandage, upon the part of my heart that is most wounded.

Kind of like a physician.

He steps down from His pedestal of light and sits with me in the dark, holding my hand and speaking love without saying anything.

Sort of like a father.

He crowns me with righteousness and calls me His own.

Somewhat like a King.

My heart stands amazed at the greatness of a King that saw me in my sin, chose me as His own anyway, and forever will call me that. My spirit soars every time I experience His greatness in a new way.

I see the love of the Father God in the eyes of a child. It speaks in unearthly tones and reaches the coldest of hearts. Who can say that love like that is earthly? It is utterly inhuman and completely miraculous.

My soul shakes as I observe the power of the Most High in the wind that bends trees to the ground, lightning that sets the sky on fire, and the thunder that shakes the ground I'm standing upon.

At this moment I cannot imagine denying His presence. But why is it that tomorrow, when I'm faced with a simple choice - to choose God or myself - I deny His presence and live for my flesh?

Why is it that when I experience His love in another human being, I feel like I could love the entire world, but when faced with an unlovely person, I find a great, fleshly struggle is lying in the shadows, ready to conquer me if I let it?

My soul wonders why the embers of my soul are stirred up so swiftly when watching others witness about the great things God has performed in their lives - taking them places they'd never dreamed they'd be, transforming their lives, and bringing change through them to many people. I now wonder why I can't see past the end of my nose, past the footstep I'm standing in, and see the beauty, change and joy God is prepared to work in me...just beyond these times. Why are there times when my heart has no problem believing, and other times when it takes the greatest effort to?

The reason is one of those most quickly forgotten.

I'm human.

That's not profound, perhaps. I am a sinner. In itself that's not profound, either, but on a daily basis, I find this fact powerful:

I can do absolutely nothing on my own.

But seeing great things being done in the lives of so many other people reminds me of the source of those great things.

It's the same eyes that look right through me every time I stand before them with my hands open and repentance in my heart.

It's the same great mind that reads my thoughts and has had every solution formed since before the dawn of time.

It's the mercy that forgives me each time I try to win on my own, fight on my own; run, fly, change on my own.

It's the empathy that touches the hurting side of me when I'm sitting in the dark. I'm not in the dark alone.

It's the same great love and majesty that clothes me in purity and calls me its own.

He's my Lover, Best Friend, Physician, Father and King.

If I remember that He is always here with me and that He alone holds my existence, the passion will never die, the strength will never weaken, and I will always have the power to do right, to be right, and to obtain change in my heart and life.

Why do I ever think I can do anything on my own?

Before change can ever be attained in the world, it must be attained within ourselves. And before we try, try and try again to change without success, we must realize that all change comes from the great source of change - our mighty God and Him alone.

Otherwise our attempts will be futile. Quite, quite futile.

Now that I've thought about it, why do I ever want to do anything on my own?

All right, friends. Tell me about this when I've forgotten. Remind me of this when I've failed.


Ruth Ann said...

wow, thanks for this post. Your posts are always deep and good, and definitely for coming back and rereading. Thanks for sharing your heart! :)

~ Ruth Ann

Bethany Grizzard said...

This was beautiful, thanks for posting it.